My life is like a can of hominy. Have you ever tasted hominy? It’s possibly the blandest edible (technically a grain) vegetable that humans are permitted to ingest.
There, my friend, is a picture of my life… FREAKIN’ hominy.
AND for the sake of creativity… And because nothing short of holidays can bring me to the level of irritation I’m feeling, AND who can’t relate with a holiday dish made by their mother ( a dying breed of conventionalists with at least two eras worth of family recipes with which to celebrate holidays)… And I might add, a requirement burdening all carbon-based females and the thorn in my rib since young adulthood, I will create a metaphor of my life for you using one of my mother’s “holiday” recipes: Hominy Casserole. Or as I like to call it, Hominy Freakin’ Casserole…
Translation: My FREAKIN’ Life.
My life is like a can of bland hominy. And since we’re using food metaphorically, my physical health is much like that of the half-a-cup of cheese used to make a can of hominy into the delicious holiday side dish. (Surely, you can picture how bad it is that cheese in a holiday dish makes for an actual valid physical, bodily metaphor for me?).
Anyway, I digress from the cheese-body part of the recipe…
But, in addition, Hominy Casserole calls for jalapeños as well! What tha’ frick? I’m using the desperately hot peppers in my mother’s hominy casserole as a metaphor representing all the horribly unpleasant, insane happenstances mixed into my life (aka a can of hominy. aka eventually a hominy casserole).
I mean, is it totally necessary to cut the tastelessness of hominy by using hot jalapeño peppers? I mean, just because it’s bland around here, must we add flaming, unbearable torture to the mix just to shake things up a bit? I don’t understand. What’s wrong with just being cheesy and bland? Couldn’t we just add some garlic?
I hate cheesy and bland… I really do. And I like peppers when they’re friendly and fun-loving! Peppers are just so unpredictable, though. I mean… when one pepper seems to be just a little “spicy” and fun and totally fits in… another one pops up outta’ nowhere acting all violent and “cut-a-bitch”… and ruins everything …. you just can’t ever tell?
I mean really, the unpredictability is making me nuts… I can’t tell? Should I eat the freakin’ casserole or not? I just never know if the peppers will bring a much-needed “twang” to the monotony or a rush-dance to the icebox for a cold refreshing reminder that nothing is what it seems.